Apology to Cara
I keep trying to change Cara. I keep disapproving of her, criticizing her, helping her feel inadequate, given up on. I haven't accepted who she is and what she has to offer me and the world. This is mostly because I am not happy myself. I want Cara and others to be really clear that when people disapprove of them it is probably because that person is not happy in their own lives. That person is needy, unfufilled, emotionally starving and hurting.
Anyhow, today Cara sent me something from Rob in England. I didn't even know they were in contact. It almost brought tears to my eyes. Especially when I found that Rob had singled out one of the quotes from CC, someone I have called my emotionally adopted daughter from time to time. So I started thinking, Cara doesn't do exactly what I want, when I want. She isn't very obedient. lol. That is the frustrating, yet pleasing thing about her and other teens I have pained myself trying to change, or employ, ha ha.
Cara has never given up on me. I don't know why really. Just between you and me I am not a very good father figure or father substitute, but I guess I am better than the one she has for a biological father, in some ways at least. I guess I fill some need of hers and she fills some need of mine. But the point is I feel apologetic to her because she does things on her own time, in her own way. She surprises and delights me. She is still childlike in many ways. I wish I would have met Cara sooner and I could have helped keep her childlike innocence and beauty, but I feel thankful we still have some connection. I have lost it with a lot of the teens I have known and often gotten very close to.
So, Cara, I apologize. Keep being yourself. Or maybe I should say keep trying to find yourself and establish your own identity. Love yourself, although that is easier said than done. You know intellectually and in theory not to base your self worth and adequacy and value on my changing moods and needs. So I am just reminding you.
Oh, here is a pic I took for you. lol. *tries to suck up to Cara....
Dec 21, 2007