Ask anybody, “what was Cara like as a kid?” they would come up with the same things. Confident, good self-image, loud, enthusiastic, not afraid to speak out and be different, pretty happy being herself. It is my personal belief that although all children are different, they all begin life loving themselves and being fairly happy. It’s only from blow after blow from parents and teachers that they lose their self-esteem.
“Sit in the front, Cara,” says our team manager.
I’m ten years old and I’ve never been so excited in my life. Putting my bags in the back of the minivan, running to get the back seat first, my first soccer trip. Who cared that the rest of the team were boys?
“Why?”
“Because I said so.”
“But why?” I desperately want to sit in the back. I know the drill. The nerdy kid sits in the front and I don’t want to be that kid.
“Because they others won’t want to sit with you! They don’t LIKE you!” he explodes, “now sit in the front!”
“I hate you Dad!”
That was the first time I ever really meant it.
At the age of ten, we are starting to learn how the world works. The adults do what they want and the kids do what they’re told. We want to get what we want but we never do because that’s the way it is. By the age of ten we have heard a thousand times that life is unfair. So why did he need to keep showing me how unfair it was?
“I fucking hate you!”
By age thirteen I’ve said that more times than I could count.
“You’re so fucking selfish! Can’t you see you’re ruining me and Mum’s relationship? It’s all your fucking fault Cara!”
I want to rip out my insides so they won’t hurt so much.
“I hate you you’re a fucking awful father! Stupid fuckwit!”
He pushes me, and my head cracks resoundingly against the wall. I stop crying from the shock of it.
“I hate you...” I whisper through the pain.
“Can’t you see,” he says quietly, “nobody cares...”
We learn eventually that it’s true. Nobody cares. And the less we are cared for the less we care what happens to us. I was fifteen when I first tried to kill myself.
“You’re a fucking embarassment to the family.”
“Fuck you...”
“Taking pills...”
“Just shut up!” I block my ears.
“Having to go to hospital. You’re pathetic.” Why can I still hear him?
“Stop abusing me! I hate you!” it’s all I have left to say.
“Abusive?” he laughs at me. “I’m sorry but I see kids who have been beaten half to death or raped every day.”
“That’s not the only kind of abuse!” I’m crying so hard I can’t see.
“Look, I’m sorry I haven’t sexually abused and beaten you so you’d really have something to kill yourself about instead of just because of a stupid boy!”
I’m breathing, trying to fill my lungs before I implode. Then I look him straight in the eye, biting my lip in defiance.
“Wouldn’t you want to die if you had a father like mine?”
It’s the worst and the truest thing I’ve ever said.
The parenting books talk about discipline. They talk about obedience and how to achieve it. Never about how to listen or how to validate your child’s emotions, or how to teach them emotional literacy. They don’t tell them that if they fuck up their child will hurt for a long time and probably pass on the hurt to their own kids. They don’t teach you to fulfil their needs. They don’t tell you how to help them feel loved.
In my first memory I’m two years old and I’m watching a wood-chopping competition with my Dad. Over the comforting clack, clack of axes against the logs, I ask Dad if we can go home.
“Dad?”
No answer.
“Dad?”
Nothing.
“Daddy?”
I turn around but he’s not there...
Convo with Cara when she sent me this file Nunca reveles tus
contraseñas o números de tarjetas de crédito en una
conversación de mensajes instantáneos.
steve dice:
hey
steve dice:
hug
steve dice:
how r u?
steve dice:
well i guess ur ok but tell me more
steve dice:
im feeling pretty determined today
steve dice:
hug
steve dice:
u there?
steve dice:
hello?
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
hi
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
sorry we have a priest around for dinner i had to sit at the
table xo
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
ily
steve dice:
a priest?
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
hug
steve dice:
are u joking?
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
he's a nice guy.
steve dice:
how are u feeling?
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
i'm not joking. he's not a dick or anything tho- he once was a
lawyer and prosecuted the NZ catholic schools foundation
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
LOL
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
hug
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
i'm feeling... numb
steve dice:
will u do me a favor and ask if he would support a UN resolution
to let 14 year olds get a passport and leave the country they
were born in without their parents permission.
steve dice:
just ask him to say yes or no
steve dice:
cuz he will talk too long if he doesnt
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
k..
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
he said it depends on the 14 year old
steve dice:
figures
steve dice:
no one can make a fucking decision
steve dice:
lol
steve dice:
sorry
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
lol
steve dice:
just ask if he would vote for it
steve dice:
i mean to change the laws in the world to make it legal for 14
year olds, not 18 year olds to get passports and leave
steve dice:
based on age, just like it is now
steve dice:
nothing more intelligent than age. just age
steve dice:
n if he says no ask if he would for 15 and if he says no ask
about 16 then 17
steve dice:
then dont ask him anything else so we can talk
steve dice:
lol
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
mum glared at me for asking inappropriat questions lol
steve dice:
did she say in appropriate?
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
no
steve dice:
or just look
steve dice:
ok
steve dice:
lol
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
i did coz i knew it would rile u up
steve dice:
does she use that word
steve dice:
ha ha
steve dice:
ur a pest
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
lol
steve dice:
hug
steve dice:
ily
steve dice:
so has he fucking answered yet?
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
mum doesnt really say inappropriate except when it relates to the
teacher in my old town who slept with a 15 year old student
steve dice:
how long does it take to say yes or no
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
i told u
steve dice:
u did
steve dice:
what did he say
yes or no?
steve dice:
i missed it
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
he said "officially, no. but away from my role in the
church, probably."
steve dice:
ask him for the other ages
steve dice:
one at a time
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
i can't i'm in my room now
steve dice:
ok
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
hug
steve dice:
hb
steve dice:
so
steve dice:
what else is up
steve dice:
whos bill hicks
steve dice:
n hows john
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
google it
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
and he's good
steve dice:
n do u want to work on ur website?
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
he's living til next year til we smuggle him into NZ
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
errrrrmh sure
steve dice:
dont tell me to google it plz im busy
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
id rather u just put it up tho
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
oh.
steve dice:
lol
steve dice:
u would be the worst fucking secretary
steve dice:
cara can u type up this letter
steve dice:
no steve u do it
steve dice:
lol
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
tears*
steve dice:
aw
steve dice:
hug
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
hb
steve dice:
u *want* to be a secretary???
steve dice:
or are u jerking my chain
steve dice:
did u really cry??
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
no. yes. i don't know.
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
and yeah
steve dice:
lol ok thanks that clears it right up
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
i feel inadequate all of the time
steve dice:
aw
steve dice:
hug
steve dice:
u rock
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
'hb
steve dice:
i love u
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
i love u 2
steve dice:
did u get my mail?
steve dice:
with ur website?
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
the 50webs 1?
steve dice:
yep
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
yeah... i feel undervalued
steve dice:
whats the name of ur new site dear
steve dice:
undervalued???????????????????????????
steve dice:
how so
steve dice:
let me guess
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
u forgot that i already have one
steve dice:
cuz u want to be on my site
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
and u don't have time to read and post my writing
steve dice:
its logistics, and freedom of speech
steve dice:
cuz i would edit stuff
steve dice:
and it wont get posted
steve dice:
thats happened already
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
ok then
steve dice:
it takes too long to read a whole convo and look for stuff that i
want to edit
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
i edit it often.
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
but it doesn't get posted!
steve dice:
yeah
steve dice:
hug
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
gagh
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
hb
steve dice:
we would edit differently
steve dice:
its ur writing hun
steve dice:
ur call from now on
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
did u read it?
steve dice:
thats what making a person independent means
steve dice:
u mean the john stuff or the new stuff on the dad
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
ellllllllo?
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
hug
steve dice:
http://eqi.org/indmain.htm
steve dice:
sorry i just read it and posted it
steve dice:
hug
steve dice:
i love u cara
steve dice:
*tears
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
hug
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
thank you
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
i lve u 2
steve dice:
hug
steve dice:
hang on im gonna read it closer
steve dice:
fuck
steve dice:
what a fucking prick
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
i know
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
hug
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
me sientes invalida
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
me no spell espanol
steve dice:
hug
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
hb
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
i can't remember how to say it. my paraguayan mate tried to teach
me
steve dice:
is that all true, word for word, or did u dramatize it a bit?
steve dice:
im guessing its true
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
well, it's kinda toned down for our younger readers
steve dice:
did he really say cant u see nobody cares?
steve dice:
n u dont have to tone it down, if it really happened
steve dice:
it not appropriate to lie to our younger readers
steve dice:
to paint a less ugly view of the world than it is
steve dice:
that would be very INAPPROPRIATE!!!!
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
i mean, once he dragged me across concrete by the hood of my
jacket. and his party trick is to push my head against the floor
until i get a migraine
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
when i was 14 i stole is computer, cellphone and personal
organiser- work is his life-and ran away
steve dice:
lol
steve dice:
seriously=
steve dice:
?
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
seriously
steve dice:
lol
steve dice:
am editing this convo to post...
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
hey i'm scared ul feel discouraged and unloved when i say this,
and i hope you don't.... could you take out the i love yous?
marvin reads my stuff. he doesn't understand about platonic love
steve dice:
hmm
steve dice:
im not really too keen on that idea
steve dice:
it changes the whole thing
steve dice:
the point is that u and i do love each other platonically
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
okay
steve dice:
thats what im trying to show pple
steve dice:
u sure its ok?
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
yeah
steve dice:
sure sure?
steve dice:
sure sure sure sure?
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
yes.
steve dice:
ok
steve dice:
i hate u btw
steve dice:
lol
steve dice:
does that help?
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
ok
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
lol
steve dice:
that took a while
steve dice:
i was writing "are u laughing crying or r u disconnected
again"
steve dice:
lol
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
i know it will seem that i'm defending him because i'm totally
controlled and an abuse victim but- he has started using "i
feel" statements and yesterday he apologized for how he has
treated me
steve dice:
k
steve dice:
hug
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
hb
steve dice:
so can i show you how to make your website?
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
yeah sure!
steve dice:
k
steve dice:
first log into the members area of 50webs.com
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
ok
then we had a minor conflict about her speaking filipino and
she wrote this...
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
i feel kinda invalidated and judged when u say "i know ur
all in love with him but...". and really not understood. i
feel like you're saying what my mum does
steve dice:
and later if u would, write up the instructions on how to make
websites on 50webs.com so we can post them and show them to other
teens
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
i feel parented
steve dice:
ok
steve dice:
fair enough
steve dice:
im sorry
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
and instructed. and taken for granted
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
hug
steve dice:
hb
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
lol
steve dice:
ok thanks for telling me
steve dice:
much as it hurts
steve dice:
tears
steve dice:
not
steve dice:
just kidding
steve dice:
lol
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
nw he wishes he didnt teach me the i feel
steve dice:
smart ass
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
lol
steve dice:
ily
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
how do i conquer the mighty 50webs?
steve dice:
lol
steve dice:
where are u so far?
later...
steve dice:
u know how to use wsftp?
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
yeah
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
ftp=fuck the police just so u know
steve dice:
lol
steve dice:
cara!
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
inappropriate?
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
lol
steve dice:
that is very fucking inappropriate
steve dice:
smart ass u beat me
steve dice:
u win
steve dice:
happy now?
steve dice:
lol
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
im a mindreader. not much to read in ur case
steve dice:
yeah im simple
steve dice:
a simpleton
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
hehe
steve dice:
thanks for that
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
lol
steve dice:
lol
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
hug
steve dice:
nope
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
ukily
steve dice:
no hugs back to that!
steve dice:
im withholding affection to punish u
steve dice:
got it?
steve dice:
lol
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
DID U READ THAT SITE?
steve dice:
what site?
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
thats the exact wording of the site i quoted when explained to
marvin how he was abusive
steve dice:
which site?
steve dice:
confused...
steve dice:
which site?????????????
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
am looking for it. i found it when i googled abusive
relationships. i proved to him he was abusive.
steve dice:
k
steve dice:
lol
steve dice:
nice
steve dice:
u rock
steve dice:
ily cara
steve dice:
really
steve dice:
cara dcd again 5 52 uruguay time
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
cara felt inadequate for this, and promptly hanged herself. the
townspeople rejoiced. amen
steve dice:
lol
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
http://www.recovery-man.com
was the site
steve dice:
k
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
*must go in 5mins
steve dice:
fuck
steve dice:
how come
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
i have to ring marvin. he said i could have all day online if i
promise to call him at 9
steve dice:
*rolls eyes
steve dice:
u coming back?
steve dice:
hes got u trained
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
*feels judged again.
steve dice:
lol
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
maybe in like 3 hours il be back
steve dice:
thats still abuse to me
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
i asked if i could spend the day online and he said sure but that
could he talk to me at 9 and i said sure and he said cool
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
and yeah he wll be asleep by midnight, then i can go online again
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
me and him talk a lot at the moment.and it is not abuse to ask to
spend time together
steve dice:
lol
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
he is encouraging me to see y friends now and giving me freedom
steve dice:
ok if u say so!
steve dice:
lol
steve dice:
sorry
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
apology accepted
steve dice:
but making u promise and making u afraid to break ur promise is
abuse still id say hun
steve dice:
what do u think?
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
he didnt'MAKE me
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
and I'm not afraid but i don't like to let ANYONE down
steve dice:
what do u think would happen if u dont call right at 9
steve dice:
or what if u called and said ill be another 20 minutes
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
if it's before 9.10 then he will be okay. he will txt me and say
hi and ask me to call.
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
i will go on at 9am ur time ok?
steve dice:
three hours from now?
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
yes
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
hug
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
me go now xoxoxox
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
ily
steve dice:
ok
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
hug
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
tata
steve dice:
bye
* i feel abandoned! lol and resentful. im so emotionally needy. ill admit it!
50webs stuff
btw look at this page
http://50webs.com/members/dfdc3817dc17387dff250578c2d5d795/
its annoying
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
can i do eqicara.50webs.com?
steve dice:
yeah sure
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
page...
steve dice:
there are two login things
steve dice:
the one on the left doesnt work for us
steve dice:
cuz its not for the free sites
steve dice:
see what i mean
steve dice:
so if u get there and put in ur name and pw and it doesnt work
thats why
steve dice:
with me?
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
"he's a kid. kids are stupid." -home alone
steve dice:
hug
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
hb
steve dice:
did u get what i wrote about the logins?
steve dice:
live in a developed country like uruguay would u?
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
LOL
steve dice:
where the net doesnt cut out every two minutes
steve dice:
for our readers...
steve dice:
hang on a sec... ill copy it AGAIN
**Life's just a ride** Bill Hicks R.I.P dice:
fuck this im going to sit RIGHT next to the router
steve dice:
for our readers again cara just got dcd again...
steve dice:
dcd = disconnectd
steve dice:
she just got dcd again
steve dice:
it is now 5:37 am Uruguay time